My daughters start writing up their Christmas lists in the late summer after their birthdays have passed. I completely understand their excitement because obviously I was a kid once too. I usually don't even look at their Christmas lists for they are shared with both sides of their family and chances are my ex's family will get a majority of the things on them. I prefer to pick out things for them that I know they will like but that they might never think of. I believe that there should be an element of surprise about Christmas. I love my girls and I want them to enjoy their childhood, so while I remind them that the holiday is not about getting material things, I know they are still a bit too young to fully comprehend that. I have faith that it will come in time. I personally haven't made a Christmas list in many years. I can never think of anything I truly want or need that's so worth having someone should buy it and wrap it for me. I have grown used to just getting what I need when I need it. I feel trivial and materialistic when I ask for things I want. So if I do actually make a list I tend to put on it necessities like extra power cords or printer paper or other such less than personal items. I was married for many years and in all that time my ex only gave me something I actually wanted and didn't ask for a handful of times. Had he truly known me and understood what was important to me he might have had better luck. But that was not to be and he has someone new now and perhaps she makes more sense to him than I ever did. Regardless, I am quite happy with my freedom. I would never put this on any list but there will always be one thing I want as a gift: to have just one more day with my father. I would ask him all the questions I never took the time to and I would swiftly type up all of his answers so I could read them over for the rest of my life. Then I'd want to go on a walk with him and my daughters and show him around my house and where I live and introduce him to Jazzmin. Judging by her occasional random barks into the kitchen and at the front door, Jazz has already met my father and he apparently likes playing with her. I always welcome the visits his spirit makes upon me but I so long for one of his really tight bearhugs. While I may sometimes make up wishlists of random things I don't want to forget I need, I do not see myself ever writing up another true Christmas list. What I want is intangible really and won't fit under any tree or in any stocking. I truly cherish being with my family on the holidays and while I wish I could be with my friends too, they are so far from me that has yet to happen. It is enough for now that my friends are with me in spirit and only a text, email or phone call away. I have big dreams of someday having a grand holiday party in my future home in Massachusetts. I'll invite all my closest friends and fly them out if necessary and heck, I'll even invite the whole neighborhood! The holidays are about being surrounded by love and that is something that will never fit in a colorfully wrapped box tied with a pretty bow.
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My father was a great man. He wasn't perfect by any means but as I say, perfect is boring and quite honestly, unattainable. What made my father great was his kind heart, caring nature, quirky sense of humor, passion for and knowledge of history, and most importantly, the love he had for his family. That love lives on even though he has departed this world and every day his spirit touches me in some way. I am a mere shadow of the person he was but I strive every day to attain such greatness. I expected last week to be tough and it certainly had its low moments but they were countered by some amazingly unexpected high moments. Life has tested me over the past couple months and given me challenges I managed to overcome even though I stumbled a bit. My faith in certain things left me but my hope for those same things remained. This past week I was shown that even though I lose faith and succumb to the darker side of shadows, faith never completely gives up on me. Hope is a very powerful force and it is intertwined with faith whether we realize it or not. There was one thing I could not give up on, despite saying I had and trying to convince myself I had. I can't explain why I didn't give up, why I couldn't let go, aside from the fact that I just didn't want to. There was perhaps a different reason, a deeper meaning behind my inability to release that last little bit of hope. Whatever the reason, a great gift was bestowed upon me last week and it proved to me that I have the most amazing best friend in the world! It also showed me that shadows are not something to be feared because they can not exist without light. So while I expected my path last week to go one way, it went a completely new way and in a lovely upward direction. I still had sad moments where the tears from missing my father flowed freely, but amid those moments the love of my friends and family shined through, lifted me up and kept me strong. I learned to smile again and I laughed without restraint and I sang loudly and off key in my car to songs that I hadn't wanted to hear anymore until that moment. My oldest daughter noted that I was going around the house singing my snippets of show tunes again and when I asked if it bothered her she said "No!" For her to say that tells me that I was lower than I realized. The 10 year old girl who had always rolled her eyes and grumbled when her mother sang "I feel pretty" was now smiling at the sound of my voice and that was yet another blessed gift. I am one person but I am made better and held together by the spirits of my family and friends. I shall never take that for granted again and I will pay heed to my father's voice in my head when he tells me "Be patient." Slow down, breathe, relax, have faith, hold hope and continue on the path and the rewards will always be surprising. My father's 68th birthday, 5/6/2009 October. It used to be my favorite month. Halloween was/is my favorite holiday because of the mystical aspects of it, not because of the scary aspects. I like black cats, flittering bats, full moons and magic. The magic of October has weakened for me though and now it is a month I just try to get through. Ever since my father died in October of 2009, I dread October. My father died on a Wednesday and for a very long time Wednesdays were horrible for me. They're still not my favorite day but I don't believe they're cursed anymore. I've had some very good things happen on Wednesdays in the past year and I try to focus on that. I always try to focus on the positive but it isn't always easy. Holidays without my father are painful. His birthday, family birthdays, Father's Day and all the big holidays have lost so much of their warmth without him. I still remember how happy he was on his last birthday when I frosted the cake in a cute if not exactly artistic way. I loved making his birthday cake because he always made mine when I was growing up. I was returning the love and thoughtfulness he always bestowed upon me. Three years. Sometimes it feels like three seconds. I'm back in that moment on that Wednesday sitting at my old kitchen table with my mother sitting across from me in tears as she tells me that they took him off life support and he passed that afternoon. I still remember that small flicker of hope within me that made me believe for just a moment that she'd tell me that he'd started breathing on his own. He hadn't. His spirit was still strong but his body had endured too much and he couldn't physically fight anymore. I understood, I did, but I still cried and it still hurt worse than having a knife twisted in my heart. My father was gone. I would've given anything to have him back. I remember hugging my father for the last time. Oh how I wish I'd hugged him tighter and longer! I told him I loved him like I always did when I left my parents' house. I couldn't imagine then that I'd never be able to hug him again in my lifetime. For several months after his passing I didn't want anyone touching me, I didn't want anyone close. I felt I'd failed him somehow and that letting anyone touch me would just bring more pain. I didn't truly have that choice though, I had two very important people that needed my touch and care every day: my daughters. Without my daughters I wouldn't have had the strength to get out of bed every day. As much as I wanted to pull the covers up over my head and wallow in sorrow and darkness, I couldn't. I was a stay at home mom and they depended on me and it wasn't within me to fail them. I am so truly blessed that I have my girls, they saved me. Losing my father brought several things to light in my life. I realized that life was too short to waste being unhappy and afraid. I no longer wished to be an unappreciated doormat for my then husband and so I sought divorce. I knew I'd need to provide for myself and my daughters so I went back to work. I wanted a place of my own without memories of a failed marriage so I started looking for a house. All rather drastic measures to take for a girl who was still trying to figure out who she was without the physical presence of her father. I felt my father's love for me and his strength within me and I still do. As desperate as I am to hug him just one more time, I know that isn't possible but I also know that he will never truly leave his little girl. I did not set out on an easy road after my father died. I did not remain safely within the sheltered cave that had become my life up until that point. I sought a brighter light and a better future and I do not regret any of it. I am happy with my life and I feel I'm doing a pretty good job. Yet I will admit that something is still missing. Though it might be easier for me to give up on love after everything I've been through, I can't. Despite the fact that every man who has hugged me since my father died has only brought me heartache, I still believe a good man exists for me. A man like my father who can love and accept me unconditionally and who can share his heart with me without qualms or fear. I have loved men but that love has never truly been returned and so I keep searching. When I connect with someone I do not entirely believe it is just coincidence. Everything happens for a reason. Every connection comes from something deeper, some kindred spirit. Each connection begins a new quest and I am ever hopeful for the future. It will happen when it is meant to and then the bigger picture will finally and completely make sense. I have faith. Today is the first day of October and autumn started several days ago. Autumn is my favorite season as the leaves on the trees turn vibrant shades of red, orange, yellow and purple. There is an abundance of purple leaves this year and I saw the first hints of it during my trip to the Adirondack Mountains this past August. I'm sure it has something to do with the peculiar weather conditions we've had and I am enjoying the unique violet hue among the trees. As much as I love the fall, October has been a challenging month for me for the past three years. My father passed on October 21st, 2009 and ever since then the entire month has a different feel. I have vowed to make October a strong and productive month for me though. I do not believe there is any set time that is appropriate for mourning the loss of a loved one. When someone precious to your heart leaves this world, dealing with that and accepting their absence is a long and perhaps never ending process. The pain is certainly less than it was three years ago but it's still there. I went to some bereavement support groups in the months following my father's death and there were people who lost loved ones over 10 years ago but they still teared up when talking about their grief. It takes as long as it takes and everyone heals at their own pace. My father's spirit is still with me and he looks out for me as best he can but I believe I am finally getting the hang of flying with these wings I started spreading years ago. My father had health issues before he died and he had suffered several strokes but his passing was still sudden and from something we never expected. After his first stroke he was rehabbed to almost 90% and his strength and determination was truly inspiring. His health issues scared me and kicked my butt into taking charge of my own health. I changed my diet and began seriously working out and lost 50 pounds in six months pretty much on my own. By the time I had my second daughter I was in much better shape than I'd been with my first daughter. It was also a bit easier to get back in shape after I had my youngest but I'm certainly not one of those celebrities that snaps back into perfect shape when their baby is two weeks old. I am and will always be a work in progress and I think we all are. There's no fun in being "done" and it's up to us to continue challenging ourselves to become better than we are today. I admit that in the hotter summer months I'm not exactly fond of working out so the cooler months of spring and autumn are when I really hit my stride. In order to get back on the exercise "wagon" I have started going to the gym four days a week before work. I only have about 20 minutes to work out by the time I get the girls on the bus and get there but I make the most of it. As long as I've got some up tempo music playing on my phone MP3 player I'm all good. I also take daily lunch walks of at least a mile when it isn't raining and walk Jazzmin on evenings I don't have the girls and the weather cooperates. Jazz and I did a lot of walking in the snow and rain this past winter and spring so I'm sure we'll get back into that soon. Nothing fazes that pup and when I say "Walk?" she runs to the door in eager anticipation. She's a great little motivator and I think she'd walk for 100 miles if I had it in me to go that far. If she ever manages to trip me and get off the leash I have no doubt she'd walk that far alone... Along with getting back in "fighting shape" physically I'm also going to re-awaken my creativity and start painting again. Painting is my favorite way of expressing what I'm feeling and my creations can always be translated in so many different ways. I have a handful of blank canvases just yearning to be caressed by a brush. I also do smaller works on watercolor paper because I like how versatile acrylic paint is on it when I add water. Water is essential in all of my paintings; it is how I blend my colors together in a background. Water is essential to life as is change. Life is always changing and flowing and diverging down paths we never anticipated. I shall keep my head and hopes up, maintain my steady pace and be vibrant, but I shall not fall. Despite how uncomfortable I felt with the situation, I drove the Honda Accord the Rav4 dealer let me borrow to work the next day. I'd already decided I wasn't going to buy the Rav4 and I dreaded the idea of driving that Accord an hour back to the dealer. The friend of a friend who had been helping me find a car was no longer being helpful in any way so I called the dealer and left a message asking if they could come pick up their car. They called me back a half hour later and said that yes, they'd come pick up their car and also shred the paperwork for my purchase of the Rav4. Knowing all that lifted a great weight off my shoulders but I still had a problem: no vehicle unless I wanted to take the Explorer back. The thought of having to drive that Explorer again really did not appeal so I spent a majority of Friday looking online for a different vehicle. There were a few Honda CRVs, Toyota Rav4s and Subaru wagons around but they all had something that didn't fit my needs: high miles, expensive, automatic transmission, not so great gas mileage. Two of my girlfriends had talked about the Toyota Matrix as an option and when I searched for one that was stick, newer than my Explorer and in my budget, only one came up. It was at a dealer in a nearby town and the more I looked at it online, the more it grew on me. I hadn't driven a stick shift car since my first vehicle in high school which was a Ford Aspire but I couldn't deny the appeal of the great MPG manual Matrix's get. I decided to rent a car for the weekend to facilitate my vehicle shopping needs and fortunately there's a rental place right down the road from where I work. I made arrangements for them to pick me up after work and I decided I'd look at that Matrix that night because the dealer was open until 8pm. The rental place picked me up and rented me an "economy" class car that turned out to be a Chrysler 200. It was a nice enough car but it was automatic and driving it further convinced me that I just couldn't buy an automatic car. If it doesn't involve shifting, it's just not fun. I arrived at the dealer and listened to the salesman's required speech about how they operate and then told him I knew exactly the car I wanted. He checked to make sure it was still for sale and luckily it was so we took it out for a test drive. The shifter for it is closer to the instrumentation than in the Explorer so I kind of felt like I was shifting into the radio but it had a nice smooth ride, easy clutch and the usual short shift throws for a car. I was then convinced that it was the car for me and we returned to the dealership to take care of the details. An hour and a half later, the financing was all in place and I was set to pick the Matrix up the next morning. As I drove out of the dealer parking lot in my rental car I said out loud in amusement "There, Dad, I finally bought another car!" My father had been after me to buy a more economical car for years but ever since I hit a deer in a car on my 22nd birthday, I'd been gun-shy about driving a car. Having to drive cars for the previous day and a half I realized I was okay in a car as long as I drove slower at night and kept my eyes peeled. The Matrix is very roomy for a car and the seating position is higher than the Honda and Chrysler I'd driven so I didn't feel like I was sitting on the road. The cargo area is plenty big enough for a suitcase and Jazz's collapsible crate for when I venture out on road trips too. I picked up my Matrix Saturday morning and the more I drive it, the more I know I made the right choice. Toyota seems to have put a lot of thought into designing that vehicle and it even has a 6 disc CD changer which I've never had on any vehicle I owned. It is white like a blank canvas and it is just the first step of many into this newest chapter of my life. I am so proud of myself for getting a car all on my own and I'm sure my father is proud too. I know I'm strong but sometimes my strength surprises even me. I was texting my best friend yesterday evening and I jokingly told her that I should write a self-help book entitled "Don't Cry with Makeup On." It really is good advice actually. The reason I recommended removing your makeup before crying is not because I'm concerned your mascara will run or your blush will streak, but because it hurts! It hurts crying with makeup on because the stuff gets in your damp eyes and burns! I've made the mistake of crying after I applied anti-wrinkle cream more than once and that pain is even worse! Alpha hydroxy and tear ducts do not get along. I do understand that fits of crying do not always wait until one is safely home and free of the day's makeup but if you can make it home after a rough day and know the tears are coming, whip out the makeup remover towelettes and take that important first step. Wait to apply anti-aging cream until after...if you can even still see where your eyes were. I am not implying that only women cry, I know men cry even if they won't admit it. Do I think everyone cries as much as I do? Certainly not. Do I think there's something wrong with me because I cry as much as I do? Heck no! I held a majority of my emotions inside for most of my life, especially the negative ones. I had no problem expressing joy, amusement, excitement but sadness, forget it. I knew once I let that dam break it would never be whole again and I feared the weak, worthless creature I'd become. Here's the kicker though, it isn't weak to cry; it's called being human. If we weren't meant to feel then we wouldn't have been blessed with emotions. Yes, I said blessed. Me, the woman who now cries at the drop of a hat so well she could star in an overly dramatic soap opera, believes that emotions are a blessing. Do not misconstrue what I'm saying and think that I'm sad all the time because I'm not. I have accepted though that there are certain things that I can't think about without crying. My father's death, my mother still without a man who loves her, my oldest daughter's sensitivity, my youngest daughter's developmental delays, my friends' pain, my myriad of creatively broken hearts, my constantly misbehaving car...these things make me cry. I don't cry because I've given up hope, I will never do that, I cry because I feel. Feeling is good and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! There may be times in your life when you have to store away emotions until they can be tackled at a time you have more strength and that's fine. Just remember to tackle them first or they will overcome you. None of us can really master our emotions completely, it's like trying to tame a wild animal. That wild animal might be sweet and cute as a domestic pet until one day their instinct takes over and they remember the wildness in their blood that enabled them to survive and evolve. Never forget that we humans are animals too and we are constantly evolving and if we do it right, we evolve into better versions of ourselves. A good cry really can do wonders and if you have a shoulder to cry on, that's even better. I have friends who are there in spirit offering their shoulder and that is a great thing. I also have my lovable pup Jazzmin who is always at my side when I cry and she never minds if I get her fur all wet as I hug her. She will also lift her paw for a friendly shake as if to say "I understand, Mama, now give me some paw" and that always makes me smile and laugh. Having a friend, lover or pet who can make you laugh amid your tears is a huge bonus. Laughter is an expression of joy and it is just as vital as expressing sadness. Do not wallow in your sadness, that is not its purpose of being. Sadness is a cleansing emotion and expressing and releasing it facilitates the arrival of more light and energy into your spirit and your life. The sun always breaks through the storm eventually and when your tears dry (and the puffiness of your eyes diminishes) you will finally be able to clearly see the beauty of the sky above and accept all the gifts bestowed upon you. I went to the lake Friday evening after work. There were storms rolling in from the south and while it was warm and humid, the strong winds off the lake kept my skin cool. I love being by the water and while I prefer the ocean waves, lake ripples will do for now. As it was such a nice summer night, there were plenty of people walking the sidewalks of the lake park, enjoying the fenced in beach and cruising around in boats. I had my hair down and was wearing one of my summer dresses and while the wind thoroughly tangled my long tresses, it only tried to blow my skirt up a few times. I stood by the shore looking down the lake for quite some time and was rewarded by several flashes of lightning off in the distance. The storm never came any closer than that but it certainly made for a beautifully tumultuous sky. I eventually left my spot by the shore and walked the gravel paths that outline that northern area of the lake. I am often a quiet observer in life and I passed many people as I walked. There were couples and families and owners walking their dogs and I soon realized that I was the only person there alone. Watching the couples and families walk by, I noticed that many of them didn't even seem to be enjoying having company. The couples were talking about this, that and the other thing without even holding hands and the families were busily trying to wrangle kids and appearing rather frustrated with that endeavor. I wonder how many of them ever took just one moment to savor the blessings they have in their life and breathe in everything around them. I wasn't truly alone as I walked. I carry so many people within my heart and thoughts of them keep me company. My father's spirit is forever near his little girl and I knew he would've been enjoying the windy evening at the lake as much as I was. Had my best friend been with me we would've been talking at high speed and giggling about our long history together. Just thinking of her made me smile. The man I love is never far from my thoughts and his company in my heart is truly all I have of him most of the time. I took several photographs trying to capture it all and hoping that some of them would come out decent enough to share with him later. He does actually know what he's doing with a camera and I am envious of how he so effortlessly expresses a moment in a photograph. I eventually found myself standing at the end of one of the boat docks facing into the wind and smiling. The sun had long ago disappeared behind the gray and blue clouds and the waves were growing more turbulent as the storms circled the area. I closed my eyes and brought thoughts of all those I love to the surface of my mind and felt my emotions swirling in my heart. They are always with me and I sent my love out to them so that they will know that I am forever with them. Until we can all be physically together, joined in spirit will suffice and it keeps me strong enough to work toward that eventual amazing meeting of all those I hold dear. Today is my birthday. When I was younger birthdays were the best days ever, with family, friends, fun, cake and presents. These days birthdays for me are bittersweet celebrations. I am blessed to have two beautiful daughters, a loving family and devoted friends and I will never take any of that for granted. Still, I selfishly wish my friends could be with me today and I still long for a present I know I can't have: my father back. I know my father is always with me in spirit and that he's at peace now but I miss those great, strong, tangible hugs of his every day of my life. I'll hug my girls a bit tighter today, take a bit longer to part from my mother this evening when dinner is over, and enjoy the long distance well wishes from my friends while wishing that they were with me in person...
For the past several years I've had a really hard time coming up with things to put on a birthday list. It isn't that I don't know what I want; it's that the gifts I want can't be purchased at any store in the universe. I want simple happiness, fulfillment, a great future for my girls, my mother to live forever, my brothers to be the men they were meant to be, to share my books and paintings with the world, to be able to sing without going flat (a girl can dream lol), to never be a burden to those who love me, to always be able to make people laugh and smile, to be the beautiful sunshine my parents always saw in me...and to have a man who can love me as unconditionally as my father did and see my light even when I am in the darkest of shadows. Oh, and to have some flowers actually bloom in my wreck of a garden this year would be great too. Not too much to ask for, I think? Intangible gifts are so much harder to acquire than tangible gifts but truly priceless. All the shiny, pretty things in the world are nothing compared to the love of family and friends and it is an amazing blessing when you finally realize that. Today is my birthday but I am not so conceited as to claim an entire day as my own, so I wish all who read this a truly wonderful day full of everything that touches your heart and lifts your spirit. I am a stubborn little thing. When someone tells me I can't do something, I do my darnedest to prove them wrong. I have this eternal fire within me that drives me to work harder and test the limits of my own strength. For too long a period in my life I was made of this very fragile and breakable stuff and I had to be very careful to protect myself from any potential threat that might crack or shatter me. That all changed when my father died and I realized that protecting myself from living had robbed me of true happiness and allowed me to be unfairly trapped in a proverbial cave. I quickly rediscovered just how much of my father's strength and spirit exists within me once he was no longer on this earth to try and drive that point into my hard little head.
The quest to gain my own happiness and freedom was not an easy one, but my determination never faltered and I clung to the faith that life really would get better. I had some great friends supporting me through my transition and metamorphosis and they have my eternal gratitude! There were many middle of the night texts and tear-filled phone calls and unexpected and heart breaking setbacks but with a little (okay a lot of) help from my friends, I survived. Friendships that endured all that and continued into my life of freedom are more rare than diamonds and truly priceless. The weather this past weekend was absolutely beautiful and I spent the majority of it outside working on something or other. I weed whacked for the first time in my life and I actually had fun. Yes, I said fun, that wasn't a typo. My forearms were killing me and I was covered with dandelion guts by the time I finished but I was grinning from ear to ear because I had cleaned up MY yard! No one was there telling me I was doing it wrong or that I'd missed a spot or any such stupid thing. It's my house and my yard and while I might not do things the way others would, I don't honestly care because how I do things works just perfectly for me. I also planted my little flower sprouts in my first attempt at a real garden. My father's green thumb doesn't come naturally or easy to me, I really have to work for it, but I'm up to the task! The sun likes to mess with me, as my friend says, and it beat down on me the entire time I was sitting in my garden digging little holes, planting seeds and playing in the dirt. The back of my neck was thoroughly sunburned by the time I finished and stood up and it was then that the sun decided to vanish behind a huge bank of clouds. I rolled my eyes at the way Mother Nature toys with me but I smiled at my hard work. I don't know how many of my seeds will actually grow into mature flowers but I'm hoping by the end of summer I'll have at least a few daisies for my children to pick. Today every muscle in my body is sore and I'm scratched, bruised and burned but all I can say is...bring it! There's always a new challenge to face and new obstacles to overcome but I can handle it, I always do somehow. Go ahead and tell me I can't do something; I'll just dig my heels in, roll up my sleeves, muster my strength and set my stubborn little spirit in motion to prove you wrong. This past Sunday, May 6th, would have been my father's 71st birthday. I knew it wasn't going to be an easy day and in fact the weeks leading up to it were rough too. I tend to push certain thoughts away for as long as I can until they suddenly flood back to me and the dam breaks. Once that dam breaks it's hard to stop the tears so I hold it together for as long as possible. There are so many occasions and just daily events that make me miss my father. Taking walks through the woods, cooking the meals he showed me, having a rough day and desperately needing a hug from him. Barely a breath goes by where I don't long to hear him say "hey, beautiful" as he smiles warmly at me. I was always beautiful to him.
There was also a full moon this past Sunday and whenever I see the moon I think of my father. When I was a teenager he and I walked down to the park in the middle of winter to watch a lunar eclipse and I remember sitting on the swings with him listening to him talk about the stars and planets. My mother tells me that when I was little he used to take me out on his shoulders at night to say goodnight to the moon and while I don't remember that, my heart knows how sacred that is. So I went out Sunday night and stood in my back yard and waited patiently for the moon to rise over the hills. My black cat Owl kept me company as she nestled down in the grass and I eventually had to bring my dog Jazzmin out because she was displeased mama was outside without her. Having Jazz and Owl both out in the yard only created one instance of the dog trying to chase the cat and drag me after but once that was all straightened, life returned to calm. Watching the sky and clouds illuminated by the moonlight before it even cleared the hills was absolutely beautiful and for once it wasn't windy. I was chilled by the time the moon rose but seeing it full and bright warmed my heart and spirit. My father is always watching over his little girl and even through my tears I always see his kind face and feel his love for me in the light of the moon. I miss you, Daddy... |
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